The Concise History of Bacon

Tall Stories from the Beginnings of Baconology

Bacon has probably been produced for thousands of years. Inevitably since cave man times, and more by accident than by design. Old Uncle Ug, the local Alford cave dweller, he learned. He got smarter as he had time to think of stuff, holed up in the dark of the cave in my back garden waiting for the sun for ever and ever and then it was winter. Then neccessity dawned as he realised he had no food to take him through the bleak cold darkness. Then he remembered when he'd dropped that piece of wild boar in the sea on the way back from the pine forest, finding it a few days later and dragging it back to the cave and hanging it up to dry. There it was, up in the roof of the cave, getting all smoky and flavoured without him even knowing it.

He hauled it out getting one of his wives to hold the ladders lest they slip and he plunges to his death and gorged on it, starving. Wow! Suddenly he found he'd produced something that tasted great, didn't attract prehistoric flies and lasted and lasted without making him ill well into the winter. Bingo, suddenly bacon was born. His wives may even have tried it.

Then his kids messed about, made mistakes and then learned some more. They caught pigs and farmed them and then fed them proper stuff and then invented Prosciutto de Parma, Jamon Iberico and Serrano and progressed onto Piggery-Smokery's own Ultrathins. Piggery-Smokery was born. Suddenly us humans developed, we'd got all civilised. Thank goodness for

Bacon has probably been produced for thousands of years. Inevitably since cave man times, and more by accident than by design. Old Uncle Ug, the local Alford cave dweller, he learned. He got smarter as he had time to think of stuff, holed up in the dark of the cave in my back garden waiting for the sun for ever and ever and then it was winter. Then neccessity dawned as he realised he had no food to take him through the bleak cold darkness. Then he remembered when he'd dropped that piece of wild boar in the sea on the way back from the pine forest, finding it a few days later and dragging it back to the cave and hanging it up to dry. There it was, up in the roof of the cave, getting all smoky and flavoured without him even knowing it.

He hauled it out getting one of his wives to hold the ladders lest they slip and he plunges to his death and gorged on it, starving. Wow! Suddenly he found he'd produced something that tasted great, didn't attract prehistoric flies and lasted and lasted without making him ill well into the winter. Bingo, suddenly bacon was born. His wives may even have tried it.

Then his kids messed about, made mistakes and then learned some more. They caught pigs and farmed them and then fed them proper stuff and then invented Prosciutto de Parma, Jamon Iberico and Serrano and progressed onto Piggery-Smokery's own Ultrathins. Piggery-Smokery was born. Suddenly us humans developed, we'd got all civilised. Thank goodness for Uncle Ug who had the world's most glorious bacon in the darkest of winters and his ladder holding wives.